Mwa ha ha ha ha

31 Oct

Last year when the note came around I said to the lads and the mister, ‘No, no we will not be part of the Halloween trick or treating the Norte Americanos are organising in our apartment complex’. I was all American Imperialism this and culturally inappropriate that*, but in the end, they joined the rounds because it’s pretty hard not to let your kids be part of a candy-fest when they can see it all happening outside their window, and not to mention the other parents sort of insisted that our children joined in and I ended up feeling bad because we were all take-take-take and nothing to give.

So when the mister went off to the do the shopping on Friday, I said, ‘Can you get some boxes of sultanas and some muesli bars that we can give out for trick or treating?’ and the lads are like, ‘What? Sultanas?’ and I was like, ‘You’re always saying, “Why can’t we have the little boxes of sultanas, why do we always have to buy the big bags?”‘ and they were like, ‘Yeah, but it’s supposed to be candy,’ and I was like, ‘Last year, you came back with FIVE KILOGRAMS** of compressed sugar between you, so this year I am saying you can go trick or treating, but I am giving out sultanas,’ and they were like, ‘mutter, mutter, mutter,’ but what can they do because me and the mister were agreed and you don’t want to argue too much with Mum when she gets like this because who knows what she’ll say next and obvs they aren’t going to be spending their allowance on candy that they have to give away and anyway they aren’t allowed to spend their allowance on candy.

Then we’re sitting at tea last night, and I said, ‘Can’t wait til trick or treating tomorrow night when we give out all those boxes of sultanas,’ and the lads said, ‘Muuu-uuum’ (except youngest lad had a bit more of the Mom to it, and in that explanation I was going to write Moooo-ooom except it made it look like he was imitating a cow, which he wasn’t) and I said, ‘Do you know the best thing about giving out sultanas? The best thing is that everyone is going to say to you, “Your Mom is hopeless and she only gives out sultanas” and I am not going to care because I am 41 years old and no longer care what others think about me, whereas you are 8 and 9 years old so you still care a lot about what your friends think.’ I sounded a lot like my own mother when I said that.

There was a tiny moment of silence and they looked at me with the look I particularly love which is all ‘fark, she really knows her shit’, and then they laughed as much as the mister and I were laughing, and one of them (but I don’t remember who) said, ‘Mum, you’re hilarious.’

And sometimes, not often, but every now and then, I’m exactly the mother I wanted to be.

*I just want to qualify, that I’ve been to Halloween parties in Australia and even organised one myself when I was young, and I’m not really into the ‘we’ll all be rooned’ carry on about whether or not we should have it in Australia, because why not, it’s just that it felt a bit wrong doing it here…I know, consistency, I’m totally on top of it
**yes, I weighed it, which just goes to show that sometimes instead of being the mother I wanted to be I’m just the mother I was always destined to be.


13 Responses to “Mwa ha ha ha ha”

  1. carly October 31, 2010 at 8:05 am #

    this post is entirely made of amazing

  2. Pen October 31, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    Hahahahaha. You are indeed hilarious.

    Ned was given a pumpkin for his birthday by his friend Wallace – a carving pumpkin, not a Queensland Blue or a Butternut. I am having lots of fun carving it, but am having trouble getting the stringy stuff out. I am going to put in on our front steps and if children come and trick or treat they can have some of our leftover birthday party loot so I don’t eat it.

    But more importantly, how long did the five kilograms of candy last?

  3. Deborah October 31, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    And sometimes, not often, but every now and then, I’m exactly the mother I wanted to be.

    And they are the luckiest boys in the world to have the mother who is just right for them.

  4. Ralph October 31, 2010 at 11:13 am #

    lovely, absolutely lovely

  5. mummycrit October 31, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

    Since marrying and spawning an American, I have a much more relaxed attitude to Halloween than before. This year I have about 5 kilos of American Halloween candy to give out, and the only group of kids I’ve seen walked straight past our house (in both directions, I assume, as we’re in a cul-de-sac and I only saw their retreating backs as I returned from getting said candy from the cupboard).

    You are an excellent mother.

  6. Kath Lockett October 31, 2010 at 1:21 pm #

    You ARE hilarious but, after the laughter subsided, please tell me that you did get some candy.


  7. Mindy November 1, 2010 at 2:59 am #

    And sometimes, not often, but every now and then, I’m exactly the mother I wanted to be [and] sometimes instead of being the mother I wanted to be I’m just the mother I was always destined to be.

    I just want to know why the mother I’m destined to be is so cranky. Being the mother I wanted to be is hard; and sometimes not appreciated which I think may have something to do with the mother I’m destined to be being cranky.

  8. franzy November 1, 2010 at 5:57 am #

    I’m with you – down with ‘merikah an’ all that.
    But I was silently thankful that I didn’t have to take a deep breath and disappoint a crowd of hopeful 10-year-olds like I did last year or the year before.
    Partly because sad 10-year-olds isn’t an awesome Sunday evening, no matter how you slice it and partly because I didn’t want to grapple with the shame and regret associated with not giving a long and stern lecture about cultural imperialism to impressionable children. (yes – “not”).

    Anyway – bravo you for holding out and I would gladly let you have my punctuation gun, fully-loaded with full-stops* for you to cannonise your post into submission.

    *Not periods. That’s a different kind of gun, found in experimental art-installations.

  9. franzy November 1, 2010 at 8:29 am #

    And my apologies for trying to put a link in my text.
    Next time, I will just try to say clever things.

    ps. You’re a writer – get into this story in 25 words thing I’m trying out.

    • ThirdCat November 1, 2010 at 8:31 am #

      Oh, that’s why it went to spam…I couldn’t work out why you were all of a sudden spammed…I followed that 25 words link a few days ago and it did look fun.

  10. Judith Fjellstedt November 1, 2010 at 10:43 am #

    beautifully said…
    I have realized that you can celebrate Halloween in many different guises…
    we have “All Saints Day” (Sweden) and “Guy Fawkes” (NZ) and are quite happy to throw in another pagan festival………oh, and there’s Thanksgiving coming up too.
    But…sultanas and muesli bars…?mmmm no thanks….pass

  11. suse November 2, 2010 at 7:37 am #

    We hand out dried apricots usually. Our children are mortified, although not the 16 year old any more which just goes to show I spose.


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