Watershed

2 Apr

It was our intention to be away for definitely two years, but expecting ourselves to stay away longer. Like at least three, possibly four.

But two years, definitely, for sure.

Then, as you know, things turned pear-shaped, went arse-up, generally soured and I started to see things a little differently. I still wanted to make the two years, I didn’t want to run away again, I wanted to give things a chance.

I had to develop some good coping strategies. One of those strategies was to start taking things in smaller chunks. I’ll get to June, I said to the mister and see how I feel after my trip. Made that. I’ll stay til Christmas, I told the mister and see how it goes from there. Got there, still going okay. Came back from the Christmas trip, things had changed a little. Plus the weather was freaking glorious, and the lawn in our courtyard took root. Okay, I said to the mister, the March school break.

Then I got my job, and all of a sudden things were easier. I am going to be extraordinarily sad to say goodbye to my job when the time comes. In fact, if I were living anywhere else, I would probably never leave that job. It is my dream job, and not only that, the people I work with are wonderful.

Nonetheless, for me, this is not a city of permanent livability and the only reason I know I can stay is because I know that I will go. It is the future makes the now seem possible.

The problem with this state of mind is that my brain is constantly looking ahead. In my mind, I make calculations…how many months, how many weeks, even, one time, how many days. The future is a good place to think and to dream about, but it is not a place to live.

If I’m just going to spend my time dreaming of the time when this time will be the past, then I should just pack up now. Passing time by wishing it away is not time well spent.

So, I am trying very hard to do that whole living in the now. There is nothing more important than the thing you are doing now. The past is gone, the future is yet to come, only the now is here. And so on. I am trying to concentrate on getting my book written, enjoying my job, watching my children laugh. When I feel my heart race in anticipation of what might be, I close my eyes, take a deep breath and bring myself back to now.

Oh, dear…if we get to June and I start quoting Elizabeth Gilbert at you, you will tap me on the shoulder, take me into a quiet corner and have a word with me, won’t you?

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12 Responses to “Watershed”

  1. fifi April 3, 2010 at 2:29 am #

    I do try to live in the moment, I truly do.
    But when those moments are really horrible it is impossible not to dream forward and long for some other time.
    But since I really dont want to be wishing my life away I try and live it in ten-minute chunks.
    That’s manageable.

    • ThirdCat April 3, 2010 at 8:43 am #

      I might try for the ten minute trick today. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  2. Helen April 3, 2010 at 3:17 am #

    If you start writing like EG, it’ll be the full kidnap and deprogram, not a light tap on the shoulder.

  3. Helen April 3, 2010 at 3:17 am #

    Also, I am biased because I want you to come and do a show at the Melbourne Comedy festival.
    Haven’t seen much this year – enjoyed Metrosketchuals a lot last night with daughter.

  4. Stomper Girl April 3, 2010 at 5:01 am #

    Someone gave us much the same advice when the Climber was a newborn. Good luck with the now.

  5. elsewhere April 3, 2010 at 5:47 am #

    Hmmm…still not sounding as tho AD is a whole bag of fun.

    Come to Northcote!

  6. Pen April 3, 2010 at 5:56 am #

    Yes.

    Elsewhere, I wish I could come to Northcote.

    • ThirdCat April 3, 2010 at 8:45 am #

      do you have spare apartments for us, elsewhere?

  7. miriam April 3, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    yes living in the future is not a way to live. living in the past is even worse, though! at least one can affect the future, but the past cannot be changed. so a little dreaming is ok, tc 🙂

    • ThirdCat April 3, 2010 at 8:42 am #

      Miriam! We were just talking about you on Thursday night…how’s things?

  8. dogpossum April 3, 2010 at 10:46 am #

    I’ve found your adventures really inspiring.

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