Not quite on top of things

12 Apr

Bang!

That’s the sound of me hitting the wall. I knew it was coming, but I suspect it was Easter finally did me in. The idea of not being on Kangaroo Island sitting outside and staring at the full moon at night, of not walking on the beach during the day, and not sitting on my lounge and calling for another cup of tea. Being away from that, it’s enough to get anybody down.

We were at Khaladiya Mall yesterday, doing the week’s grocery shopping which always gets me down, because it’s not the Adelaide Central Market, is it, and I bought a copy of The New Yorker from BooksPlus and sat at Dome with a chocolate brownie and ice cream and that always makes me feel a bit better except that all I could do was look despondently at the Contents page and say to the mister, ‘All those actual writers, they’re all writing.’

‘Why don’t you start writing again?’ the mister asked, then looked at me and shook his head at himself for even voicing the question. Sometimes, I wish I lived inside his head. And I imagine sometimes, so does he.

I was back on the lounge last night. Crying of course. The mister brought me some chopped up fruit and stroked the top of my head, and I tried so hard not to notice that the apple was neither crisp nor cold. I told myself, Tomorrow I will think less about the things that aren’t and more about the things that are.

I didn’t quite manage it today, but tomorrow I’ll be back on top. And if not tomorrow, the day after that for sure.

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13 Responses to “Not quite on top of things”

  1. Ali April 12, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    I’m sorry you are feeling a bit low. You know, you’ll end up back in Adelaide to live one day and miss all of the things that are unique about where you are now – wish you had spent more time enjoying them. That’s what happened to me anyway!
    Hope you are able to get yourself on top of things soon.

  2. planetnomad April 13, 2009 at 12:18 am #

    I can relate! Hope we’re both more on top of it soon.

  3. fifi April 13, 2009 at 12:51 am #

    These things come in fits and starts, in my experience. Its the thinking that forms it, and you are doing plenty of that.

    I also think that to look at something from a distance is to see it even better: and the longing will drive you to make things, say things, tell things.

    And you are very good at that.

  4. Deborah April 13, 2009 at 1:39 am #

    Hmmm…. it took me over a year to reconcile myself to living in Adelaide, which as you know is a lovely town. But it’s not where I want to be (yet), and we are here for my partner’s career, not mine. Even being somewhere lovely is not easy if it’s not the home you love. I had to let go of the idea that I needed to do anything before I could start rebuilding a sense of joy in my life.

    Of course you have hit the wall. Particularly after the time back in Adelaide. And particularly after the huge events in your life in the last year or so. If you can give yourself plenty of time to recover, that would be good.

  5. blackbird April 13, 2009 at 2:24 am #

    Aw…you…I’m putting my arm around you and then I’m pouring some wine….

  6. elsewhere April 13, 2009 at 2:28 am #

    Well, it’s a long long long way from home.

    I bet all those writers aren’t writing (and no, they’re not resting on their laurels either).

  7. Pen April 13, 2009 at 2:55 am #

    Sorry about the apples. It’s a terrible thing when the comfort of fruit lets you down.

  8. Pavlov's Cat April 13, 2009 at 4:56 am #

    Would a postful of iconic Adders photos make it better or worse? God knows I need to get out of the house myself.

  9. Cristy April 13, 2009 at 5:16 am #

    Argh. Can really relate to you (from previous stints of living in new places). Hope the inspiration strikes you soon. In the meantime there is always chocolate.

  10. Laura April 13, 2009 at 7:54 am #

    I got my copy of Black Dust Dancing a couple of days ago – in the same purchase with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – and it’s incentivating me to mark these frigging essays twice as fast as I would normally. So thank you for that….

  11. Jo Pankhurst April 16, 2009 at 1:32 pm #

    Now you have hit the wall things can only go up!! (by the way we had fantastic weather for Easter , sorry), You have such a fantastic oportunity, enjoy the differentness (is that a word), I wish it was me, time goes so fast and you will be back in little old Adelaide before you know it. Meanwhile a good cry and a cup of tea can work wonders! thinking of you all.

  12. miriam April 18, 2009 at 7:50 am #

    this probably offers little or no consolation now, but it does get easier. the first time being away for easter/ birthdays/ weddings/ christmases/ etc is by far the hardest.

  13. mikhela April 18, 2009 at 4:11 pm #

    It’s very hard being away from the place of your heart.

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